It is natural to get into an argument. But it is also the time to be honest with the others and most importantly, be honest with yourself. We got into an argument and it was rather serious. How I would judge the intensity would how long I cried in total for that argument.
Sometimes, we need an opinion from the third party. When we got so involved with our own feelings, we couldn't see the whole picture. In fact, we can never be the ones seeing the full picture. So I thought I could seek some help. Then I realise that actually everything is so simple. I mean, from my angle, I couldn't understand why the hell he was shouting at me. Then someone told me that it was because he wanted to get his message across. Then again I didn't understand why did he have to keep shouting at me. And I finally understood everything.
I have been such an idiot the whole time. I couldn't understand the idea about keeping quiet and pissing the other guy off. But now I finally got it. He was frustrated because I just quietly stood. He thought I didn't understand, that was why I didn't react. That was also why he got even more frustrated. But I also realise that the more he wanted to get his message across, the more I can tell that he do care. It would be so much better than him walking out on me. Like I always did.
I finally see how I didn't try hard enough. My habit of running away from him is the true burden to him. I didn't try hard enough to let him know what I was thinking. I didn't try hard enough to show him that I care about him. I just thought keeping silent is the best way to avoid trouble, but no! I should let him know everything that he ought to know.
I was like a time-bomb to him. And I feel guilty that he could never feel at ease, especially when we argue and disagree. Inside his heart, he must be scared; scared that I will leave, because I always had that uncertainty in me. I always thought that he had me hanging in mid air, only getting the attention he had the time. But in fact, I was the one who had him hanging by the thread the whole time.
I don't want to do this again. I want to be able to talk things out instead of getting over-reacted on a simple issue like this. I might not be the smartest lover but I really want to show that I care. I don't want to be the deemed as the ignorant brat.
I love him so much. It is difficult for me to just put everything down and run off. And the truth is, I haven't been thinking about breaking up. The thing that I would be thinking of when we got into an argument would be how to solve this problem and prevent it from happening again.
I stopped thinking of running away.
