Watershed

To my baobao:
Sorry Baobao for ruining your days. I tried to control already but these emotions are not what I can handle. I know I dampened your mood and you tried your best to cheer me up. I'm really appreciative about it and I love you alot, baobao.

But it's really beyond what I can keep in my heart. If I can't even show my true emotions to you, how else you want me to let you know in the future about my feelings? I am sad and I can't help being sad. I know you're probably upset because Despite your effort I'm still sad. But I can't pretend in front of you.

I would be lying if I told you I'm better because every time I think about how shit things are now, it cuts me even deeper and it just hurts more every second. I'm so slashed up to bits inside of me, I'm barely alive, baobao. I do hope you understand how I'm struggling to smile. Thinking that I still have you and him (hopefully), giving me strength to walk on, giving me advice, I'm trying really my best now to face this crisis. You guys know me long enough to understand it is really difficult for me to not run. It has always been like this, so why should I change? Why is it that I have to be the one to understand? Who will understand me? WHO?

But I'm really trying now. I'm trying really hard.

And sorry about the message. I know I should have explained. Thanks alot really for being really tolerant and understanding towards me. You're the best already.

Thanks for those words of comfort and thanks for being there every second although some you weren't really paying attention. But still thanks for the seabreeze and the bicycle ride. Thanks for the pasir ris dim sum and thanks for the exciting arcade games. Thanks for wiping my never-stopping tears and thanks for bringing me out for a walk in the middle of the night under the lightning sky. And thanks for hugging me to sleep the whole night, you arms must have hurt right? Thanks for bringing me to play basketball and thanks for still being so understanding to my moodiness now. Thanks for the effort to make me smile even the least. And thanks, for being my baobao.

I LOVE YOU LOTS.


To my Musicque Sisters:
I'm not blaming you guys for things that happened. Neither am I saying you guys are bullshitting and doesn't care about me. But why do you guys have to think of things this way, that I don't treat you guys like sisters and that you guys can't be compared with a 'pet'. He's not a pet. He's my good friend too. Just like any of you have other than the other 3 of us.

He knows my problem because he always come to care if I'm living well. SO be it if you say he likes me that's why he's so concerned. But I do believe he really cares about me as a friend. Because he always has been since the first day we were good friends. I don't understand why I can't have other good friends when you guys have your own good friends yourself. And now you all are pushing me to a corner and saying I don't give a damn to how you guys feel.

But I don't care about all of these. Because what I know is that I do care about you guys. You guys and my basketball friends are seperate worlds. I don't put you guys together to compare. Just like you guys won't put me together with your other good friends to compare too. Why you guys have to be so harsh on me?


To Eugene:
As for eugene, I'm really sorry for almost becoming invisible to you. I really don't know what to do and I landed you in too much trouble. I don't want to harm you anymore. It seems probably you would be happier this way. An seeing you laugh and played so happily today made me feel a little relief. Stay happy, Eugene. I would be happy to see you free from me and from my unfortunates.

I feel like everyone is cursed by me. No happiness. I'm like a jinx.

And everyone hates me. Good friends are probably easy to find. Like baobao said, I could have many, but whether I'm able to maintain the frienship is another matter already. It's really difficult to find someone who truely understands you. But if I found it, I'm not letting it go easily. And I will not regret for holding on. Because I rather have a friend that understands me than a thousand who will pick on my negatives and be oblivion to my positives.

Since you guys hate me so much. No matter what I say or do will have little impact to improve the situation, but rather, some of the opinions I have would drastically worsen the situation. No more room for negotiation, right?

I got it. I got it clear.
Nevermind, I'm preparing myself already.
But how more blunt can you guys be?

Really, I just want to brisk by these few days.