Numb.
5 chances burnt, 50 left.
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Different Light
I don’t know how, or why...
I feel that you’re somehow a little less of everything when I’m involved with you. You’re not as happy and focused playing mah-jong with me. You’re not as happy and focused playing basketball in the same team as me. In any case, you’re just not as much as yourself when I’m around. Am I bothering you?
You seem to be pulling quite a serious face in front of me.
Occupied with your other friends? No wait. I feel ostracized. How come nobody ever think of me when they’re organizing anything. Come to think of it again, am I considered an idiot to even treat you guys as my friends good enough to be involved with my activities? And this is exactly where I stand.
Like as if last minute helps.
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I hate to be lied to.
Why do I have a feeling you’re hiding something.
You’re just hiding something, doesn’t matter if it’s important or not.
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Where, What, How
Once again I don’t know if I had any rights to be upset about anything. I was in an awkward confusion right at that moment. You’re unpredictable. I couldn’t do anything right. And I couldn’t seem to rectify any mistakes that I’ve committed either. I’m your bug isn’t it?
Besides being hopelessly helpless at my stupidity, on the other hand, I don’t even have the slightest guts to raise my temper regarding the things I hate to see happening right in my face. After all, I was the one who made you upset with me first. But still all these while, I’ve actually been living in freaking confusion.
“MAY TAN ZHENNI!
What’s wrong with you?
You seem to have lost control of your life already.”
I’ve been keeping both my eyes closed for quite some time now. So is this going to continue to be like this? I’m so sorry I don’t know what you want. And I seriously cannot keep up with your temper. You want me to be bothered or you want me to be understanding? Just how is it that I should be? Each time I see things happening, I don’t hate you but I hate myself. I hate myself for not being able to decide what I want to do. I’m sorry I am a confused person. I’m sorry I’m weak. Nobody likes weakling and I won’t expect you to have much tolerance in me either.
Thinking back, I don’t know why I chose this path, this path of stones and broken glasses. I’ve been living in a wonderful world with joy and laughter and so much love. But now, I invited such an extreme side of emotion to come fill my world.
And I wonder...
Shouldn’t you be the one to protect me from the harshness of what reality would bring because you are my fairytale. If I should learn that the real world is cruel, still I shouldn’t be learning them from you either way isn’t it? You should show me that there is light in darkness and not teach me that there is darkness to light. Are you an angel or a devil?
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Maybe that is why I am confused.
I’m still thinking, and I can’t stop thinking.
Why?
Why am I always only thinking?
Is it because I couldn’t tell anything to anyone?
Or is it because I didn’t have anyone I could tell my problems to.
Yet again it might be because I’ve seen too many unappreciative people.
Who could I open myself to?
